Dear MS: You forced me to stop and look inward. What I found surprised me.

The journey of living with MS is often depicted as a battle against the body, but in the past few weeks, I’ve discovered that the true battle might be something else entirely.

For months after my diagnosis, I focused outward—learning about the disease, adjusting to physical challenges, and trying to maintain the balance of family, work, and life. But recently, I’ve shifted my focus inward, and the results have been startling.

At first, this introspection wasn’t intentional. It began with small moments—quiet reflections during my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu practice, walking in the quiet of nature, or the stillness that comes after writing about my experiences. These moments gradually expanded, pushing me to confront what lies beneath the surface of my day-to-day existence.

What I found was unexpected.

I found anger—not the fiery, destructive kind, but a deep-seated frustration at my own body, at how it sometimes betrays me with fatigue, pain, or limitations. But alongside that anger was an equally deep well of determination, a quiet resolve to keep showing up for myself and for the life I want to live.

I found grief—not just for what I’ve lost, but for the person I thought I would always be. This grief isn’t as raw as it once was, but it lingers, shaping how I see the world and myself.

And most surprisingly, I found joy. I’ve always believed that joy had to be tied to big moments—achievements, celebrations, milestones. But MS has taught me to find joy in the smallest of things: the way my grandson’s laughter fills a room, the sense of accomplishment after a tough workout, or the simple beauty of a quiet evening.

In looking inward, I’ve also uncovered parts of myself that had been hidden—strengths I didn’t know I possessed, vulnerabilities I was too afraid to confront, and a resilience that continues to carry me forward.

The past few weeks have shown me that living with MS is not just about managing symptoms or enduring challenges. It’s about transformation, about discovering who I am at my core and learning to embrace every part of that person—the strong, the struggling, the joyful, and the grieving.

If you’re on your own journey with MS—or any challenge that forces you to reexamine yourself—I encourage you to take that inward look. You might be surprised at what you find.

Much love,

E.P.